so...

by azrieljohnson

Sheep by Azriel Johnson

Sheep go bah don't they?

It's like I'm drowning.  My face under water.  The only give away is my forced breath.  I'm trying not to breathe.  My slow heart beats thru the veins in my temple, the vibrations heard by my ears.  My mind.

My arms are at my sides.  My nose and my toes are the only parts of my body that rise out of the scalding hot water.

When I'm forced to breathe my heart beats faster.  Some find the heart beat to be a relaxing sound.  Bah!  My heart beat only inspires my pain to worsen.

If I could just inhale, just once, it could be over.  More likely I would sit up and sputter and survive.  It takes a hard ass to kill themselves drowning.  Even in the ocean one would have to be really tired to let themselves drown.  No amount of coughing or sputtering could save me in a real situation.  This wasn't a real situation was it?

I wonder what would happen if I gave up.  Gave up.

Would my nuclear family honor my final wishes?  A funeral pyre.  Put me on a big stack of wood and burn me.  No urns.  No caskets.  Just fire.  And a "thank god he's gone" party.

I begin to stir.  I raise my head.  The water drains off of my eyes, my forehead, my cheeks.  Gravity in action pulling the water off of my slowly rising body.

Who do I remind you of?  My long wet hair.  John Lennon, Jesus, the stoner guy from "That 70's Show"?  Bah!

I light up a cigar.  Black and mild.  Smells good.  I exit the bathroom and go to my room.  The house is empty except for me and my cat.  I stand nude looking out over the busy street.  The hairs on my body quickly release the moisture on my skin creating a tingly effect.  I shiver.

The faint smell of cat piss hits my nostrils.  It's time to Febreeze again.  I grab the bottle from the closet and begin to spray my cat's target areas.  I open the windows to the cool midwinter air.  The sun is bright.  There is no snow.

I finally pull on my maroon robe to combat the cold.  Also the last thing I need is to be called the "Perverted Nude Window Guy."  A name like that is sure to attract fans and haters alike.  Bah!

I move downstairs to make some food.  My cat rubs himself against my leg.

"Meow!" he says loudly.

"Woof Woof!" I reply, hoping to scare him.

I forgot for a moment he's deaf.  He looks at me expectantly.

I scoop some food for him and put it in his bowl.  He attacks his food and the rattle of morsels hitting ceramic and the crunch of cat teeth chewing fills the air, not long before the sizzle of sausage drowns it out.

I used to love the smell of sausage.  Now its just food.  Just like everything else in my life.  It's just... empty.  Nothing special.  I pour barbecue sauce into the pan accompanied by varied herbs and spices then about a tablespoon of maple syrup.

I'm finished cooking.  I pour my food onto a plate and take it to the living room.  I eat in silence.  I can't even bear to turn on music.  It doesn't sound the same without Her.

My cat joins me a few minutes later.  He's hoping to get a bit of sausage.  He hops up on the couch and leans over my shoulder poking his nose at my plate.  I poke him in the head with my fork.  He shakes his head and says, "Meow" as he jumps down from the couch.

Finished eating.  I take the plate to the kitchen and run water over it to get most of the sauce concoction off of it.

"Ding dong," says the door bell.

I walk slowly to the door and open it.

It's my best friend.  He tells me he's been trying to get a hold of me.  I tell him that I've had my phone off.  He says that everyone is worried about me.  I haven't been in the mood to see anyone.  He pushes his way inside and says adamantly that he's going to stay with me for a while.  I insist that he doesn't need to do that.  He says that his girlfriend kicked him out so he has nowhere else to go.  I sigh and tell him that the guest room is open.  He thanks me and takes his meager suitcase up to the guest room.  I sigh again remembering the last time he was my roommate.

I pick up my squawking cat and stroke his soft white fur.  He purrs.  I remember She wanted to get a cat.  And the cat had to be pure white.  I don't think she reckoned the cat would be deaf.  Most albino cats are.  I shake my head as I put the cat down on the floor and he skitters away to investigate the invader of the guest room.

I walk up the stairs after him and poke my head into the guest room telling my best friend I'm going to take a nap.  He acknowledges me with a smile and another thank you.

I walk into the bedroom and shut the door behind me.  I shed the robe and climb into bed.  The blankets used to feel so good against my skin.  Now I'm lucky to feel anything at all.

I roll onto my stomach and bury my head in the pillows and begin to sob softly.  I repeat her name over and over.  Wishing I could have her back.  Hating myself for losing her.

The sounds of that night.  The shrieking.  The crashing.  The sirens.

The sights of that night.  Her blood.  My blood.  The shattered glass.

The thoughts of that night.  Oh God please take me instead.  Don't take her from me!

The tears that fell....  I'm not a crier.  I cried for weeks.

Now I'm just numb.

Sheep do say bah don't they?